I’m probably looked down upon by other asian parents, Chinese parents in particular, and I would name them but I can’t think of enough at the moment.
As a child I was rowdy. The other Chinese parents had subdued and stiff children taught with the whip to be polite to other parents. My parents had given up on “breaking me in” and instead let me grow up on the spoiled side. Not a very good idea, to be honest.
Right now I suspect most parents, if they knew my academic record, would gasp at the fact that it isn’t all As. I would hope that my academic record in the first fifth or sixth of my life doesn’t restrict my future in anyway I don’t want it to. I do think other asian parents are pleased that I don’t have a completely clean and exemplary academic record because they’ll think that their kids can outshine me more easily.
Let them think that.
I may not be completely flawless but I have a personality I value and relations with other people I enjoy being with. I’m not like that girl with the intellectual abilities that other people envy but the self-important attitude that makes people cringe. I’m not like that guy who has the ability to stun teachers with his expertise in numerous subjects but can’t interact with anybody without the intent to toy with them like cheap plastic toys. I’m not like that girl, raised in a cage by her aggressive parents, who can’t even do anything without acting fake.
Perhaps I still do take characteristics from these people. I do have vanity and I do think myself better than other people, more times than I wish I do. I can’t put myself forward as a perfect friend or perfect daughter. I have more than enough blemishes on my record. The main aspect of me that I think separates me from these people is my tendency to self-reflect and often, over-reflect. I have a painfully good memory for embarrassing and bitter events in my life. Like a mouse, I’ll see what I need to do to avoid such discomfort in the future as much as possible and tread carefully to make sure I avoid any more mishaps. Obviously, such troubles don’t vanish from life, but this process allows me to avoid any over-inflation of ego. (The disadvantage of having such a thought process is the resulting lack of self-confidence. I’m still working on growing confidence.)
Sometimes, it feels like I am merely a third-person observer in my life while other people are the protagonists. Sometimes it feels like I am so colorless or average that I could easily blend into the background with little effort. I try to find opportunities to break from this, but my lack of hard work and the lack of time I spend on honing my skills prevent me from doing anything amazing. I am my biggest fault. I don’t work hard enough. My mom used to praise me for my work ethic (as compared to my brother) but now I think it is laughable. I don’t do work. I should and could change that but I don’t. I am bound to suffer from this. Some day the consequences will hit me and I will have no choice but weakly crawl my way up from the bottom of mediocrity.
As much as I see problems in other people I run away from my own. Currently I should be typing up an essay for an application to a prestigious summer program, but I can’t think of what to write. It might be writer’s block. It’s probably laziness and frustration. I’m probably only typing this to fake to my mom that I’m actually doing something so I don’t have to do math problems. Sometimes I laugh to myself on the inside when people tell me I’m smart. Someday they will surpass me and gasp in surprise at my broken self when I fail to pull myself up from the depression. I will probably just end up crying on the floor for too long of a time rather than work furiously to pass them again. It’s not a possible result because of any past trauma or poor child rearing. It’s just because I am a lazy, terrible, and flawed human, and that I choose not to care.
